Mockingbird
by beanacreede17
Summary: Welcome to my life... WARINING this story involves suicide, attempted suicide, self harm, and possible lemons rated M for safety. E/B at first J/B E/A eventually. this story is TRUE comments are appreciated
1. Chapter 1

**Ok...listen up...because I'm only saying this once. None of the characters belong to me but to Stephanie Meyer, the plot however...is my story. This is going to be an Edward/Bella story to start with but it gets to be a Bella/Jasper story in time. Honestly I'm not really a B/J fan but I chose Jasper because I swear my fiancé is an empath...but it's all true...every word of it. Well except for the vampire and mythical parts...obviously...anyways...**

_I held her in my arms the day she was born. Perfect and fair, my little angel, my little Isabella. The moment her flesh touched mine she took my heart and breath away. Every day since then I have sang her to sleep even when her mother took her away from me. It was my fault Renee left...I chose to remove her from her comfort zone to a place I knew she hated-so it was no surprise when she left. Renee isn't cruel though, she saw the love I had for Bella, and went out of her way to make sure I could still sing her to sleep. Over the years I have sang through her mother's arms, Bella's crib, and now her bed, changing over the years as she aged. "Hush little baby don't say a word, daddies gonna buy you a mocking bird..."_

**Bella**

"I hate you! You don't understand!" I screamed at him. I couldn't believe he couldn't see how much he was hurting me. As Chief of Police in Southfork he was always working double, sometimes even triple, shifts leaving me alone. It wasn't always like this. We used to have FUN. Until he decided to build a new house as an escape from the pain of his memories. After mom left him he became a hermit only leaving the house when I asked him to...but he started to drink. He used to always be there when I needed him, would even sing me to sleep when my heart was broken. But now we were having our usual argument-over the phone. This honestly, pissed me off. He wasn't even scheduled to work today but he volunteered his time anyway. I finally hung up the phone and stormed of to bed but at around midnight my door squeaked open and my hair was swept out of my hair and he straightened my covers. "Hush little baby don't say a word, mommas gonna buy you a mocking bird..." huh, he still loved me...he still cared.

**Two years later**

I have never understood the point of football...you intentionally went to get your ass kicked over a tiny scrap of leather. **(A/N sorry if I offend any football players)** Personally I think soccer has a lot more strategy involved. Anyway, in this case football is important. I only go to the games to hang out with my friends...which coincidentally all had better things to do today...so I sat alone feeling lonely and rejected. I wasn't really paying attention to anything so naturally I freaked out when he walked up behind me.

"Bella?" I whirled around to face him and smacked him before I realized what I had just done.

"Omigod...I'm so sorry!" I then began closely inspecting his face to make sure there was no damage done.

"Bella, it's ok really." I still didn't know who I was talking to but I was mortified just the same.

"But I slapped you! I'm really sorry..."

"Your Charlie Swans' daughter aren't you?"

I bit my lip afraid of where this was going "yes?"

"Then it's understandable." he said as a smile broke out acrossed his face.

I stared at him watching his cheek turn redder by the second and finally his chestnut eyebrow slowly rose in confusion.

"I'm really sorry!"

"Bella..."

"I really am...do you need anything? Ice? Oh god, I'm so sorry..."

"Bell..."

"No! I didn't mean it! I'm really sorry!"

"Ok I'll let you make it up to me..."

"How?"

"Will you go to homecoming with me?"

I gawked at him through the awkward silence.

"What?"

"You know...you buy a somewhat fancy dress...let me take you out to dinner...dance with me...ring any bells?"

I rolled my eyes "smart ass..."

"Hey, it's better than being a dumb ass isn't it?"

"Maybe...depending on where the brains are."

We both laughed for a moment until he broke the moment.

"Seriously...will you go with me?"

"Are you really serious?"

"As serious as Pluto is a planet."

"But we don't even know each other..."

"Hi! I'm Edward Cullen!" And the cocky bastard actually extended his hand. I stared at it for a moment but it was obvious he was persistent so I shook his hand. "Bella Swan. But you already knew that."

It took maybe two days after that to figure out he was a vampire but it took me a week to realize that I was in love with him. It has been five months since then and Edward and I are still going steady...even if I wanted to move forward. I climbed into Evalyn (my broken down '95 Ford Explorer) and drove out to his house. As I pulled into his driveway I couldn't help but smile when I saw he was waiting for me. I belonged in the arms that seemed to be made just for me. I belonged with Edward forever.

I can still remember the look on Edwards face when he took me to meet his family on that homecoming night. We had been "together" for two weeks when he drove me to his house. Introducing me to each of his family members I tried desperately to hide the smile that was now cramping my cheeks, when he said "Bella, there is something you need to know about us before things get too far... were-"

"Vampires, right? Oh, but of course the good ones who don't drink from humans right?"

Oh, the look was priceless...I can't even describe it but Alice and I DIED laughing.

Laughter was a big part of my life for about five blissful months.

Until suddenly Edward and I weren't so close...but he grew closer with Alice. Obviously I knew that the Cullen's weren't blood related *chuckle* more like venom related. I knew Carlisle had changed Edward and Esme but Alice was kind of the odd woman out like me. However, her beauty...was far more undeniable than my own speck of light... and my laughter died with that fateful call...

"Bella...Bella love I'm so sorry...I-I slept with her. Goodbye"

No explanation was needed... How could I blame him for loving Alice? Like I said...she was so much better than me...I'm not surprised...

But that's the day the blade became my best friend.


	2. Chapter 2

**Warning the remainder of this story WILL have mentions of suicide MOST pretty descriptive so if you have a faint heart….don't read anymore. Please. Like I said this is ALL true…I went through all of this….so if you don't like Suicide or self harm…don't read anymore I'm begging you.**

After that phone call I went to visit Charlie broken hearted and all…. Even though I hated his drinking, hated him, he was my father…and I was determined to remain his daughter, no matter the cost. I made a promise to myself that no matter what happens I will stay with him.

It had been a month after the Call that Christine noticed my long sleeves and she didn't have to ask. She just made sure that I was stocked up on peroxide and bandaids. She knew I didn't cut to die, if I wanted to die, I would, and because of my promise…I stayed alive. Even if barely. There were times when she would come over to my house when I called her because I had cut too deep and she would hold my arm until the bleeding stopped. Christine never judged me for my habits and I never told her why I befriended the blade. I cut to FEEL. Edward had left me numb and empty….and broken. So when I went to Charlie's without my Christine, I was sure to sleep in long sleeves as well.

Charlie's new wife Emily was a bitch in my opinion. She nagged at him constantly "Get me this, get me that, hang on let me paint my toenails" kind of person. And I hated her but pretended to love her because Charlie did. I was determined to hold what was left of my broken family together…at least until I left…

I watched Emily degrade my father more and more until finally I wanted to hit her but I doubted I had the strength left thanks to my Blade, my lover. It sang to me every night "It's okay…let it out…the pain you hate…just let it go…" and every night I'd give into my lover promising it one day I'd let it take me away from here…and my lover smiled knowing I never break my promises. I waited until late for my father to come home…just like every night. When I finally heard his truck pull down the drive I watched him climb into the bed of his baby…to dig into the case of beer.

I opened my window in case he needed me and turned away to give him his privacy.

_I downed another foul tasting beer glancing at her window. She tried so hard to pull me together…my little Isabella…The poor girl just doesn't understand pain…of what I'm going through… I'm going to lose my house, which means I'll lose Emily…and eventually my little Angel…. I opened another as my thoughts drifted to the shining tool sitting in my lap. Would I do it this time? How many times have I sat beneath my Angels window wondering if I would keep my promise with the Devil? I downed another in the three minutes I thought. The Devils cold tongue licked my temple…Oh my little Angel hear me please….never trade with the Devil….because the Devil does not forgive._

I smiled as our song drifted through my window "hush little baby don't you cry…daddies gonna buy you…a…mockingbird….."

I frowned as tears choked his voice and I began to climb to my feet to see if he needed me….

My eyes widened as I heard the sound that, as quickly and effectively as my lover eased my pain, ended my world.

_**BANG**_

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	3. Chapter 3

**Again…this is my only disclamer….I'm a close friend to suicide and this story is going to be FULL of it…and its only going to get worse. Anyway…read at your own risk. Jaspers Lil' Darlin…This ones dedicated to you for being my first review :D**

BANG

BANG

BANG

That one sound echoed in my head as I raced to my window to see my Daddy fall off the bed of the truck. It was too dark to see anything. And even now, I'm so proud of myself for restraining myself from rushing to him. Emily was sort of main priority. I picked up the phone and called 911 and told my location and where I was, and hung up, ignoring their protests for me to stay on the line. Emily was _gone_. That was the best explanation I can come up with her mental status at that moment. She was running around screaming at the top of her lungs. Oddly I wondered why I didn't feel anything I was just…numb.

I already knew dad was gone but as far as I knew…she only thought he was coming after her. She was drunk. Of course. And I knew I should keep her _slightly_ stable until help arrived. I grabbed her arm _hard_, knowing it would bruise. She whirled around and locked her eyes with mine; I knew the moment I let go she'd fall apart again. So…I tried my Last Resort. I lifted one hand and smacked her as hard as I could acrossed her left cheek. If her arm didn't bruise…her face definitely would. Remember how I said I hated her? Well….dad wasn't….around, for me to fake at the moment.

My eyes burned with rage as a tear slid down her cheek. "Listen bitch, pull yourself together. When my father comes back up these stairs again he's going to need a family to come home to. His life has been so FUCKED up before you and you didn't exactly help. Like I said, he needs to see his family not his seventeen year old daughter glaring down his wife for being a fucking coward. Now you can either pull yourself together or you can go cringe in that corner over there and be the cowardly bitch you are."

Guess who pulled herself together?

When I saw the lights of the sheriffs' car I walked outside and stood in front of Dads famous red truck. I was still pissed because of Emily that when the sheriff walked up to me and asked me "Who the hell are you" and nodded at HER. Naturally I responded with humility, dignity, grief, and of course respect.

"Isabella Swan who the fuck do you THINK I am? You however look like you spend too much time at the Dunkin Donughts and sitting on your ass watching TV. In all honesty I'm not sure how your scrawny little car can hold you up. Oh I guess I forgot to ask…who the hell are YOU?"

"Just call me Frank if that's ok."

Only after several hysterics attacks from Emily and one major fight with "Frank" (**A/N trust me you don't want to know the details on that one….however I did mention a couple times that I was surprised he could find his peanut of a penis in all the rolls of fat.) **He finally told us dad was dead. And I trudged up the stairs to call Renee to tell her what happened. She arrived two days later to take me home. I sang two songs at his funeral "All in all" and "Go rest high on that mountain" because my dad was once and always a mountain man…

January first 2010 I decided to keep my promise to my Lover. I had tried to turn to Edward for comfort, he wouldn't even talk to me. And Christine…I just didn't want her to know just how fucked up I was. All I had was Elena, practically my sister…blood sisters actually. We both cut our arms and pressed the wounds against each other so I would always have a piece of Elena inside of me.

Either way…I figured enough was enough, and it was time. My lover bit into my arm and I smiled with glee knowing it was almost over. It occurred to me that I hadn't written a note…whatever I didn't really care. My Lover bit again trailing a trail of crimson tears from my wrist to my elbow. My blood flowed like a river from my right arm. With a rough laugh my Lover bit into my left arm and followed the same path. My strength failed and I curled my legs and held my arms above my head, and rested them on the ground. I had planned this. Knowing my blood would flow into a wing like shape…

Taking a breath I softly sang as my strength ebbed further "Hush now daddy don't you cry, the Devil's gonna join us here tonight…"

Finally my eyes drifted closed and I thought I heard Dad calling me…. I smiled at the sound. I wondered if they—whoever found me—Would call me by name

Daddies Fallen Angel…

**(I said this was true and it is but I figured to let you know that since I'm TELLING you this story….obviously I'm not dead.)**

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	4. Chapter 4

**Dream Painter, I cant explain how grateful I am to hear you say that…. I turn 18 next month and even though you may think I'm brave….do me a favor and don't follow in my footsteps…. And if you like…I dedicate this one to you… this is a teeny bit lighter than the others…**

I woke in a blank room, bank colorless walls, a neatly made bed to my right, and to my left was a big wooden door with a tiny glass window. **(A/N anything in Italics is one of Charlie's memories. However if its bold and Italicized it's either one of Bella's thoughts, or flashbacks. Kthnx) **_**Heaven, this must be it. Pretty disappointing actually…I expected more. But wait, where's daddy? Are the stories true? Do suicides REALLY go to hell? But I committed suicide…is this hell instead? Was I wrong? Wait the door…Maybe on the other side? **_I reached for the small handle when I noticed the thick white bandages on my arms. I wasn't dead…this I was sure, somehow I was alive…and back in my own personal hell. Personally I would prefer the real hell than being here, alive.

But where is here? I reached for the door again only to have it opened for me. A man with thick black hair and a big pointy nose stood in front of me with a long white coat. He was so pale I almost laughed, he looked exactly like your stereotypical Dracula. I pondered if he had fangs jutted up in his jaw somewhere. "I see you're up, Bella. I'm Dr. Pain **(A/N that really was his name) **Let's sit on your bed for a moment. I need to check your arms." I didn't like him touching me but he was polite enough to talk while he worked. Apparently after I "Died" Christine found me as a Fallen Angel, and called for help.

I felt like this was where I should have cried but for some reason…I couldn't. Since Dr. Pain kept talking I assume the pain never reached my face when I realized it wasn't dads voice I heard…but Christine's. Was there really no hope for the likes of me? I couldn't save his life…and now I wasn't even capable of ending my own? What was wrong with me? He told me that I was hospitalized and was "asleep" for three days before I was brought here…to Mid-Missouri Psychiatric hospital for observation. He said the rules are very simple

All my belongings would be returned to me on the day of my dispatch or until I was removed from suicide observation. Meaning I was to wear hospital approved clothes meaning the t-shirt I wore, my undies, and pants. No bra.

If I wanted to use the restroom I had to ask for permission.

I wasn't allowed my cigarettes

And I was to follow my appointed schedule.

A simple rule of course except for its cold…and for a girl without a bra in a tight shirt is never good. I have trust issues and I DESPISE asking for anything…no cigarettes? I am in HELL.

For the first two days I refused to come out of my room except for using the bathrooms…I refused to even eat. Turns out I had a room mate named Bridgett who told me this place wasn't so bad. She said this was her third time here, that if I cooperated they would let me out in a few days. She told me she has attempted suicide nine times and that they kept sending her here.

So I began cooperating, I took the damn medicine that made me walk around half lethargic; I took part in the groups… I did everything. On the outside I appeared to be mending. However on the inside I was planning my next attempt…This time it wouldn't just be an attempt…I was going to succeed. I didn't partake in any of the conversations I was just there…They blamed it on the medicine. I didn't care. I smiled, I laughed, I was a happy teenage girl…whatever it took to get the hell out of here faster.

So the next challenge….How do I make daddies Fallen Angel die even more beautifully?

_I stood by as I watched Renee push my Angel on the swings, her fire red hair swirled around her face…stirred by the wind. She slipped and flew landing on her face and as Renee and I rushed to her to make sure she was okay, she sat up laughing. She was bleeding from a cut on her cheek but she was laughing. Her smile curled from ear to ear as she laughed, the beautiful smile sounding like a running creek…better yet…a mockingbird. Oh, my little Angel…this is my promise. I will do ANYTHING to see you smile like that again._

**Thanks so much for the reviews! Anyone who reads this please do me the favor and click the review button! Updates soon I promise!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Jasper's Lil Darlin' you aren't forgotten. I still can't thank you enough for being my first review, and to Dream Painter…Thank you. Thank you sooo much for your support and happy early birthday to you too :D And welcome xAvia-Chase to my story…There is plenty more to come I promise :D Alrighty…here we go.**

Bridgett decided to amuse the staff to show off our "friendship" by braiding my hair. The bloody doctors had dragged my ass out of bed to draw my blood and take a friggen piss test. _**Really? Was six in the morning really necessary?**_ Dr. Pain had drawn my blood and the only thing I could think was _**effing vamire.**_ Bridgett leaned down in my ear and whispered "I was up really early this morning," _**No shit Sherlock we all were**_ "Apparently….we have a new person moving into room 245"

That caught my interest. No one was placed in room 245 unless the staff didn't know if they were a risk or not. Room 245 was also known as the "restraint room" for us captives in this damn hospital. We had one kid go completely bonkers…he decided that enough was enough and started hitting anything he could. He threw tables, punched walls, and finally got a hold of a kid named John…he's still in ICU. This all happened before I was sent here but rumor has it that the walls are still bloody.

"Apparently his name is Jasper Hale"

"What did he do to get in here?" I couldn't help but ask, Bridgett tried to inhale hair spray…and the others…lets just say I learned some pretty creative ways to die in this place.

"I guess all it takes now is a text message."

She went back to braiding my hair as I pondered that. If all he did was send a text to get into this godforsaken place…then he wasn't serious about dying which meant he was just another pretender…which is why he was in room 245. He wasn't serious.

"Look, Bella that must be him. He's pretty fine if I may say so."

That he was…he was wearing hospital scrubs which made him look like an inmate, his hair was standing up on one end like a damn peacock, but the confidence he wore around him was beautiful…as were the scars that I could see. It took me a moment to remember that he was a fake. "Lets go Bri, Mr. Dirty Blonde can go fly a kite."

"Oh, no he can't Bella, because there is a very strong possibility that he could strangle himself on the kite rope."

"And heaven forbid he gets a paper cut from the kite itself!"

We were both cackling like hyenas until David, one of the staff members, told us if we didn't behave we would be put in the restraint room with **him**. This of course goes against the rules but we shut up pretty quick.

_**He really is cute though…I wonder if he really spent any time locked up in jail or if he is just one of those people who just look like it. He has scars on his neck that I can see…I wonder if those are from his "Jail Time". If he's a pretender…what would he do with the likes of me? Would he even WANT someone who's only wish as of right now is to die?**_

I sat down at one of the tables and pulled out my journal that I started for dad. Bridgett suggested that I write letters to Dad…and so far its helped a bit.

Dad,

So…what to talk about this time…There's a guy here that I kinda sorta like. But he's a fake; he doesn't want to…die ahead of schedule like we do. Would he want someone like that? I don't want him to run from me dad…everyone does… Why did—

I was interrupted when a piece of paper landed in front of me labeled "To: Ms. Fake Smile From: Mr. Dirty Blonde" I didn't want to open it…but I did.

"Ms. Fake Smile,

Yup. I noticed. P.s. the names Jasper."

We passed notes for the next couple days…and Bridgett got discharged two days after Jasper arrived. Again I couldn't find the ability to cry. During lunch one day I reached out and poked his knee, he responded with grabbing my hand…only to rub soothing circles on the back of my hand. I could feel the blush spread across my cheeks as he doodled a little heart on the back of my hand.

Dad,

It's official…I'm in love.

Bella

"_Daddy! Daddy guess what?" You came running up to me with my favorite smile again, and I couldn't help but lift you up into my arms. "What is it love?" You blushed and suddenly looked sheepish, and I knew what the answer would be before it even left your Angelic lips. "Daddy, I have a boyfriend!" I don't even remember what the name of that boyfriend was but you managed to extract a picture of him when I asked for it. You smiled at me silently asking my approval. "Do me a favor, the next chance you get, give him a picture of me."_

"_Why?"_

"_That way he knows who it is holding the gun"_

"_Dad! You're crazy!"_

_Yes I am baby girl…and the first person who breaks your heart will have me to answer to._


	6. Chapter 6

**Welcome to: Jazzybell64 and eMmEtT's LiTtLe-SisS! Thanks soo much for your reviews! Dream Painter…like I said…it's true—every word. Including where I met Jasper. And don't worry I'm a bit of a romantic freaky geek myself, and you don't sound like a suck up BTW you sound honest and sincere :D and I appreciate that. Anyway, I apologize for not updating sooner but heeeeereee we go!**

Dad,

Jasper and I have started a little game…I think you would find it funny. Anyway the purpose of The Game…is not to think about The Game. The Game is to be touching as much as possible without getting caught. So far we found out that if we sit with our knees up while watching the Hospital Approved movies…we can hold hands. And if we can't do that we're touching feet…and the first person to think of The Game loses….damn I just lost didn't I? Anyway….I lied to him. I told him that I was a pretender as well. I told him that I used to be a cutter, but that I didn't cut to die just to FEEL. Technically that isn't a lie…if you set that statement back in Edwards time period….but I don't want to lose him just yet. For the first time in half a year I smiled dad…a REAL smile…the one you loved so much. How am I supposed to tell him that I don't plan on seeing him ever again? How am I supposed to tell him that right this minute…I'm planning a new way to die? I want to tell him dad…he knows something's wrong **(A/N as of this moment Jasper is HUMAN but that is going to change)** it's like he can feel what I can…I know it's selfish…but is it wrong for me to be happy daddy?

Bella,

The Mockingbird

His foot twitched against mine and I glanced at him as he passed a note to me.

Ms. Fake Smile,

_**Is that going to be his new name for me or something? Why do I find it amusing?**_

I can see the guilt on your face as plain as day…. When are you going to tell me what's wrong?

Mr. Dirty Blonde.

_**Sigh, same as usual…I'm just have to smile the one he claims to notice…and repeat the words "I'm okay" until he believes them. I've been here for going on a month and a half, Bridgett has been gone for three days, I miss my cigarettes, and I just want to die…really is that so difficult? Jasper has been here for going on four days now…but it feels like we've known each other our entire lives…we complete each other. I want so badly to say "fuck the rules" and just have FUN. Scratch that I want HIM to say fuck it and just kiss me. I can't tell if he really likes me or not…but I love him. Already. Is that wrong?**_

_** I was right in my first impression of him, he has done jail time for assault. His step father attacked him and he fought back but as a minor he got scars from his uncle and jail time. The beauty of our Justice System…. I finally got removed from suicide observation and got my shoes back at least. They told me for my breaks I was allowed to go to the gym with the rest of the group…however I refused to go unless Jasper got to go as well… That day we made our bracelets. In crafts he made me a bracelet that spelled my name—backwards, out of beads. I found it sweet. Mine, however, I was much more proud of. I made him a bracelet that was much more symbolic. I sent him a message of things I loved and missed through that bracelet…and we smiled as we slipped them on. **_

_** I slipped him my phone number because God knows he earned it… you know…when I first woke up here, I thought I was in hell…but honestly…I wouldn't mind staying here with you forever…**_

"I wouldn't mind either Bella." I jumped when he whispered into my ear. _**Did I tell you yet that I SWEAR the bugger can read my mind sometimes….**_

_When you were little, it didn't take much to amuse you. Funny faces were really all it took… When Renee remarried to that god awful Phil, your smile began to fade away. There are times babygirl when I wished I could read your mind…like now. You are all snuggled up against me watching Lord of the Rings with a half-grin on your face as I stroke your hair. Lord knows what's going through that head of yours child but that little smirk of yours will not be permanent… _

_I promise._

Jasper and I were watching Wall-E for the FIFTH time when his doctor walked up to us…Dr. Young Walker, and asked to speak to Jasper privately. This happened occasionally where they would take you aside and ask you questions like "Do you have any intentions of hurting yourself?"_** yes**_ "Have you thought of hurting yourself in the past couple days?" _**yes **_but of course you answer "no" to each. So when his doctor left I was baffled by the upset look in his eyes. "Jasper? What's wrong?"

"My insurance doesn't cover me staying here Bella…I'm going home."

"When?" My heart was breaking and I was afraid it might show on my face.

"I'm not sure."

**Three hours later**

I was watching him play basket ball when the door opened and in walked one of the staff. "Jasper's mother is here." Panic flared my heart up to my throat _**Today? He was leaving TODAY? **_ He walked over to me and lifted my chin and I thought finally _finally _the boy was going to kiss me….but no…he just hugged me and wished me luck. If I wasn't surrounded by doctors I would have punched a wall when I watched him leave…I just couldn't cry…I wanted to, I TRIED even…I just couldn't. It took until I crawled into bed that night for the tell tale thought to cross my mind,

_**Fuck it girl…don't be upset over him, you're never going to see him again. Besides, what's the point? You are only going to die anyway.**_

I guess there is no such thing as a fairytale ending….

**More to come! Promise! Reviews would be AMAZING!**

**Just **

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	7. Chapter 7

**Okay….we need a bitch note here because I am thoroughly pissed off. LaViolentFemme—for your information this story really is true, I apologize if it is a bit too realistic for you. And I have a question for you, is it possible for more than one person to have similar lives? To be frank I have never heard of the book Get Well Soon and if you believe this story is stolen from someone else I can give you more than one phone number for you to call to people that will validate my story. Also I'm 18 thank you VERY much. The conclusion I have for you is thus: don't like, don't read.**

**Drawing Conclusions on you—there is one thing I do agree with that LaViolentFemme said: using text—speak such as ** is very childish. As for shrinks, I've seen enough of them to last me a life time thank you VERY much. And I notice you haven't written any stories yourself so if you are going to criticize on my "poorly—written fanfic" make sure you have experience on the matter.**

**Sexxi Bexxi xx—Welcome :D there is plenty more to this story to come I promise.**

**Cullensluvsyouu—thank you sooooo much for that, you are the first person to tell me anything like that and I hope reconnecting with your family will go well and know that I'm praying for you.**

**Dream Painter: You. Are. My. HERO. You have been with me on every step of the way so far so this chapter is for you :D .**

**To those who have yet to review (137 hits! Omg….i cant even process this!) I'm sorry it took so long to update…Lots of drama going on that I promise you will hear about later.**

Bella

_**Two days passed with me practicing my smile. I keep telling myself that there is no point in beating myself up over him, I'm never going to see him again….why bother? Dad, do you have any idea how hard all of this is? I keep having nightmares about the night you died…I think that's why I'm still here is because I keep waking up screaming. Every time they come running into my room and hold me until my stupid tears stop flowing. Every time they touch me with the idea of comfort I flinch away, it's not THEM I want touching me, but him. I want my Jasper.**_

_** I found myself wondering if there was a purpose in staying alive daddy, how silly was that?**_

_** When I get home daddy…you will see your Angel again.**_

"Bella?" _**A doctor I've never seen before called my name **_"Your mother is here. Guess who's going home today?" _**A moment of fear raced through my veins…this is it. It's finally all going to be over and done with…**_

_** I loaded up into my mothers van and flinched when she pulled the car over to the side of the road. **_"Bella," she whispered "are you going to try to die again?" I flinched yet again and told her quite honestly "no" _**Of course I'm not going to try mother…I'm going to die. There is no "Try" in that. **_

"Just remember that people care about you. You have a REASON to stay here Bells" her eyes widened as I threw the door to the van open. "Humor me love, don't run away." My face went hard as I responded,

"Fuck you, bitch, I'm not in the mood to 'humor'"

**The next morning**

_**I had spent the night in the local homeless shelter planning the details for today. Today was the day I was going to die…I had to hurry, I couldn't give anyone the chance at changing my mind. I slipped my father's .44 Desert Eagle into my bag. It was dangerous to bring a gun to school but in my little hometown…there was no such thing as "security". Squaring my shoulders I carefully walked into the crowded commons. I almost laughed at how silent it became, almost as if someone pressed the "mute" button.**_

_**Christine came running up to me hugging me and crying quite pitifully. She took my hand and led me back to our table where four of my other friends sat. Emily, Sarah, Suzanne, and Mark. Naturally they became all blubbery and full of sniffles but once again they all froze when someone walked up behind me. **_

"Bella," he whispered… and just like a year ago I whirled around and slapped him. Only this time I didn't apologize.

"What the hell do you want Edward?"

He smirked "I just wanted to make sure you were still alive."

"I'm here aren't I? How's _Alice_?"

"Wonderful"

I lost it…I couldn't help it. "Where were you Edward? I called you….I _needed _you! You could have stopped all of this! What…why?"

"I was with Alice, you think I was going to interrupt our date by answering a call from my Ex?"

I really thought about shooting him but that would be redundant wouldn't it? Instead I turned on my heel and walked to 1st hour Web Design. I wrote my goodbye note…I forgot last time.

To all who cares to read,

I give up. Christine I'm sorry…Don't blame yourself for not being able to stop me in time.

Edward, I can't believe I trusted you…. You could have stopped this. I loved you! Pluto isn't even a planet Edward!

For everyone else,

I'll see you soon.

Bella, The Mockingbird.

Second Hour, Creative Writing. My teacher Mrs. Courtney handed me an envelope from Christine. Inside was a single photo of the Fallen Angel. Christine knew I would have wanted to see what I looked like that night…it was beautiful and perfect.

Third hour, Health Sciences.

I was a Teachers Aid for this class and they were all away at clinicals leaving me alone in an empty classroom. I pulled out the Eagle…it was now or never. I smiled as the cold metal touched my temple. "Hush little baby don't say a word…daddies gonna buy you a mocking bird…." My finger lightly wound around the trigger and I slowly began to squeeze the trigger.

"_I tried to kill the pain, but only brought more…I lay dying as I'm pouring—"_

I glanced at my phone to shut it up. I didn't recognize the number and kept the gun pressed to my temple as I answered with a shaky "hello?"

"Can I talk to the woman who goes by Ms. Fake Smile please?"

My mouth popped open and the gun slipped from my fingers and clattered acrossed the floor.

"Jasper?"

**What happens next? Well click the button that says "Review" and I'd be glad to tell you.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Okay guys** **It's going to get iffy with the updates….lotsa drama and I'm studying for an entrance exam I have in January. So my life is going to be plenty busy. However…since my bitch moment is over with I'm done ranting and publically going head to head with my Flamers. For now however….On with the story :D**

_Do you remember on those rainy days when you would come to see me? You were so little….I would pull out my Shania Twain CD and we would dance to "Any Man of Mine" until your little legs were out of energy…. I would carry you to the bathroom for your bath. Do you remember "Airplane Arms" babygirl? When your bath was over I would tell you to lift your arms like an airplane so I could dry your arms. After four years of this surely you would know what was going to happen next? I would slowly count each rib until I reached your armpits and I would tickle you until a tear would slip from your eye. I'm sorry I messed things up babygirl…I just wish that things could go back to the time of "Airplane Arms" when I was the one thing that held you together….._

_I'm sorry._

**Bella**

"Hey girl…how are you?" Jaspers voice drifted through my phone…. He was right there…my mouth kept opening and closing but I couldn't find the words to say anything.

_****FB****_

_**I bit my lip and slipped him my phone number because lord knows he earned it. He looked at me very seriously and said "No matter what happens…I'll call you."**_

_****EFB****_

_**Why hadn't I believed him? He had virtually promised me that he would call me…I guess I was just too focused on dying that I hadn't really focused on him. I glanced down at the gun on the floor and tucked it away into my bag. Later. Jasper was priority now.**_

"Jasper?"

"It's really me Bells"

"How—?"

I could hear a quiet chuckle in the background "You didn't really believe I would call did you?"

"I—I…no I didn't….Listen can I call you back at a later time I'm at school…."

"You should come up here after school!" he gave me the directions and I promised I'd be there

I didn't really realize until after I hung up that I had inadvertently promised him to stay alive another day.

_**God dammit….**_

Three in the afternoon I was climbing into Evalyn **(A/N remember this is my car)** and took a deep breath**. **_**I can do this…It's just Jasper.**_ Before I started the car I took out the image of the Angel and tucked it behind my visor. _**I can do this! **_ I called him and he led me to his house, me not breathing until I parked my car in front of the slowly opening garage door. He walked out and took my hand and led me inside where a gorgeous woman sat with her son in her lap.

"Bella I'd like you to meet my mother and my half-brother Emmett ."

That little boy walked over and grabbed my hand pulling me down to his level. "Beya? Jazzie wuvs you but told me not to tell… I sorry." And snuggled back up with his teddie bear.

_**Lords above…I think that little boy just stole my heart.**_

**A/n sorry guys that one was short but I ran out of time for today….the more reviews I get the faster I might update *wink wink* Talk to you soon**

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**V**


	9. Chapter 9

**Soooo the first part in italics was written by me...nothing else... The remainder was written by the man himself! (not the twilight Jasper but MY jasper) anyway...enjoy! Beanacreede**

_I remember when your mom and I first got divorced...that last fight of ours. Your mom and I were screaming at each other about how I was mistreating her and didn't care about you. You thought I've only been drinking since I built the new house but... I've been an alcoholic since I was eighteen. I was drunk that night babygirl... She said very simply to choose either my liquor or you two._

Your arms wound their way around my legs trying to comfort ME. The one who messed everything up... I knew you were going to turn out to be just like your mother...I was so mad but I didn't mean it...I slapped you. I regretted it the moment you spat the blood out of your mouth but pride wouldn't let me apologize. So I made my choice...I left.

And I regret every second of it

**Jasper**  
She was so scared, so nervous. Desperate to make a good impression. Every moment she seemed torn between some decision as if her life depended on that decision. Ever since the hospital her nicknames for me had changed from "Mr. Dirty Blonde" to "Idiot" and finally "Mind Reader". I thought it was hilarious how she seemed to think I could read her mind, what she didn't realize is that I've been memorizing everything I could about her from that first moment her eyes touched mine.

I knew her natural hair color wasn't black judging by her roots of her hair.

I knew she desperately wanted to be a mother just how she reacted around Emmett (A/N I'm going to be calling him "bubby" too lol) but it was as if she was scared to be.

I knew she loved my mother far more than she loved her own.

I knew her favorite colors. I knew everything in her eyes and I had only known her for a week.

I moved her to the living room with Bubby to watch Tarzan (I knew she loved that movie as much as he did) so mom and I could cook dinner. Not to long after my mom finally noticed the bracelet on my right wrist (A/N remember which wrist it's on it will be significant later I promise).

"what do the letters stand for?"

****FB****  
when we made our bracelets we wouldn't let the other see what the message was. Mine was obvious, it was Bella's name spelled upside down and backwards...I told her I meant to do that.

Hers on the other hand I would have never guessed had she not have told me...  
The bracelet consisted of what seemed like random letters seperated by random shapes...but she explained.  
C= the cigarettes we both missed  
A rose=her favorite flower  
W= Wall-E the first move that began The Game... DAMN! I lost!  
A sun= what she didn't see much of anymore  
F= for fail...her favorite word  
A star= what would be the use of the sun without the stars?  
F= because two fails in a row makes it epic  
A key= lack of freedom  
B= Bella  
A skull  
J= Jasper  
A circle= a promise  
F= forever

She never told me what the skull was for, I assumed it was for the suicide hospital. She told me from day one we were both pretenders so I guess that made sense.  
****EFB****

"it's her mom she gave me a piece of her I could carry with me."  
She took the answer as acceptable and I went to check on Bella and Emmett. She was curled up on the couch watching the movie, with bubby napping in her lap. And like a lightning bolt it hit me. I wanted this. I wanted to see Bella curled up with her son, our son. It was WAY to early to start thinking that. I could wait...

Hours later Bella was getting ready to leave when bubby started crying. Guess who got to him before his own mother did? When we got there Bella was rocking him in her arms murmuring in his ear.

"mom?" she asked "can I stay with him until he falls asleep again?"

I glanced at the tears in my mothers eyes. She wanted this too. "how about you just spend the night dear?"

Bellas answering smile was all that was required as an answer.

It was midnight and I couldn't sleep so I decided to check on her. She had bubby wrapped in her arms and they both were tucked into a Cars blanket. Poor Bella, Bubby was OBSESSED with the movie "Cars". He had his sippy cup of chocolate milk tucked up under his chin...they were beautiful together. SHE was beautiful with her hair splayed acrossed her pillow, finally relaxed...she looked like an Angel.

Suddenly her face paled and a layer of sweat broke out on her forehead, and my mind raced back to the nights at the Hospital. I think the entire hospital was woken up every night at two am because of the screaming... No one ever told us who it was, but my watch read 1:48.

2+2 DOES equal four you know. I had to keep her from screaming. She would hate it. It would scare mom and Bubby...and I knew she wouldn't come back if she did...

Gently I eased her away from Bubby and into my arms on the floor. She grabbed my shirt so tightly that even the scars on her arms popped into clear view...

Her hands let go of my shirt and wound up to her own hair and she started whimpering "I promised, I will" over and over like a tiny prayer. I didn't know what I was doing but I kissed both of her eyelids  
"hush now Bella, come back to me...it's just a dream"

Her eyes snapped open and she took a shaky breath finally noticing who was holding her. And she did the most unthinkable thing. Ever. I knew her so well and even I didn't anticipate this...

She kissed me.

Mom found us the next morning asleep on bubbys bed surrounded by bubbys toy cars...and woven protectively in mine and bellas arms was bubby.

We had no idea why she was crying when we woke up.


	10. Chapter 10

**Okay guys I'm on vacation so updating might be a little tricky...I'm currently in ****North Carolina**** on Topsail beach XD. Any way... 30 reviews OMG thanks sooo much you guys :-) I'm going to mix things up a bit here so lemme know if you love/hate it. BTW this chappie is going to have a baby Lemon...**

**Present Day**  
I'm watching the girls swim in a crowded pool while I sit in the shade nursing a sunburn. It's been two months and six days since I've seen little Emmett and it's killing me. My mind keeps slipping back to the days where i couldn't go a day without being wrapped in Jaspers arms...

_I remember when I first married Emily, you hated me. You kept calling me begging me to re marry your mother. The calls lasted two months until you called and asked, "are you happy daddy?"_

I told you I was but I wasn't...how could I be happy when I failed my babygirl? I don't love Emily but I'm afraid to break her heart.

"if you're happy daddy, then so am I."

Did I break your heart too?

**Bella**  
I've been with Jasper for two weeks now...it's almost like we've known each other our whole lives...I found my other half. I thought that sort of thing just didn't happen...

To me it felt like I've known Jasper my entire life-he claims to feel the same way. Is it coincidence that his eyes just happened to be the perfect mix between blue and green...my favorite colors? I tell him every day that I can't decide if his eyes are blue or green.

Dad, I made a promise to die before my time... And I'm going to keep it... Bubby is asleep in my arms at the moment and I know I made a promise daddy...but can I be happy for a while first?

The next day

"Bella, Jasper...I'm going to town for a few hours...can you guys last that long without adult supervision?"

Bt- huh...she's noticed the sexual tension there too...

Jasper turned on the radio and we snuggled on the couch watching him draw until his mom left.

"So...are we um...following house rules?" I asked nervously. He chuckled darkly and responded "you think we could wait any longer?"

I wasn't sure how we ended up in his room or how I was suddenly naked, but the moment I noticed this my hands crossed over my stomach.

I'm not overweight but I don't have the tummy most guys are looking for, and being mostly Irish meant I had a major lack of tan as well.

"don't," he whispered tugging at my arms "you're beautiful"

I laid my arms by my side still staring at my stomach until he placed a finger under my chin...forcing me to look at him.  
"Bella, I love every part of you."

"every part?"  
He only nodded in response. Suddenly, I was nervous. I NEEDED him to accept my scars for what they were...I needed to know if they affected him, if he accepted them. I turned my arms over so my scars were bare,

"even these?"  
He hesitated and my heart broke. I knew it...I knew they made him sick...he couldn't stand them.

He surprised me. His mouth turned into a half frown as he lifted my left arm where the worst collection of scars were.

I thought he just wanted a closer look but he kissed every scar he could reach and whispered,  
"you wouldn't be who you are today without them"

Moments later I was on my back with him positioned over me. "are you sure you want this?" he was nervous too.

I was so scared. If I said yes I was going against everything I was raised on. I only nodded in response.

Ladies? If you read any lemony stories where it says loss of virginity doesn't hurt...they LIED.

He slowly entered me slowly thrusting all the way to the hilt. Holy mother FUCKER did it hurt. My back arched into him and he silenced my scream with a kiss. He tried to be sympathetic of the fact that I was in pain...but he was, in fact, male.

Ladies the pain doesn't last very long but it hurts. Like hell.

He found a rythm that worked for him and FINALLY the pain turned into pleasure. And I started grunting right along with him. There weren't words for what I was feeling and honestly I didn't care I just didt want it to stop.

"so close bells, so close"  
He started to pant. I angled my hips so he could bury himself deeper and I barely registered the fact that "bad romance" by Lady Gaga was playing on the radio before we both heard it. The garage door opening.

We both froze and looked at each other.  
"SHIT!"

We were both dressed, and back in the living room before Emmett raced up to me. And Rosalie walked into the living room.

"so what did you guys do while I was gone?"

"listened to music and doodled" came Jaspers response. I had an idea...if he didn't want his mom to know what we did there was only one thing to do.

"oh, Jasper don't lie. He swept me away int his room and claimed my virginity as we had wild and crazy sex."

I laughed outright as Jaspers jaw hit the floor. Rosalie chuckled and responded "yea right and I'm a smurf... Play with bub will you?"

Jaspers face?

Priceless. 


	11. Chapter 11

_The mind is an amazing thing Isabella…the moments you want to forget, stay with you forever. However the ones you desperately want to remember….you cant. I watched you play soccer today in the back yard. I watched your face move from joy to frustration in a matter of seconds….When you couldn't seem to kick the ball in front of your feet, to the moments where it was just too far ahead for you to reach. Just like time. You tried sooo hard to control where that ball went, just like you will with time later on down the road. I love you babygirl._

_Daddy._

**Bella**

_**Why isn't death easy? I promised to die daddy….I did….but I don't want to leave him. It's a thing of beauty isn't it dad? Love? Lord, if Jazz and I ever have kids…what are we going to tell them when they ask "Mommy where did you meet daddy?". What if he doesn't last dad? I didn't put a date on my death…just before when I'm supposed to. I wonder if Jazz can really see what goes on in my mind….or if my eyes just tell that much. Well dad…I'm on my way to meet my new psychologist, Jessica. Let's see how well this goes…..**_

The walls in the waiting room are pretty plain and pointless, but I suppose it occupies the mind to take in the minor details around you. The abstract painting of a cat on the wall, the strategically placed depression posters placed around the room…the fact that the secretary probably has lice judging by how much she's scratching her head. As you can tell…I don't like to wait. Glancing over at the culligan water system I literally started counting bubbles. My appointment was at Five in the afternoon I was ten minutes early. Forty seven bubbles later I heard a very calm, nasal voice call my name.

The face fit the voice. A tiny nose, plump lips, dim green eyes, poor complexion , and long platinum blonde hair described just the head of what I assumed was "Jessica."

"Jessica?" I asked testing my patience with the womans voice.

"Yes, why don't we head back to my office and get started? I'm so sorry to have kept you waiting."

"Oh, it wasn't a problem….just I would have you secretary checked for lice before she infects the whole damn building."

"Right, Isabella, are you, like, one of those girls who thinks I cant help you? Well I can't help you unless you help me help you. Does that make sense."

_**Not even with her for ten minutes and I hate her….**_

"Alright why don't you tell me why you're here."

So I told her. Everything about my dad, his wife, Jazz, my mum, my whole life story….even cutting. And when I finished about an hour she responded with two simple words.

"Anything else?"

I swear my feet had a mind of their own when they stood and stalked towards her. "I'm sorry…is my life not BAD enough for you Jessica?"

She quickly fumbled with her purse to grasp her card "just in case I needed anything."

I was on Jaspers doorstep in less than ten minutes….he had two simple words to share as well….

"That bitch."

(A/N) Hey guys sorry I haven't been on in a while things have been kinda hectic with studies but here ya go!


	12. Chapter 12

**Hey guys, my old laptop is on it's way to the laptop GRAVEYARD because I may or may not have….broken it. So I have a brand new dell so I hope his works better. So here's a new update ^.^ Sorry it's taken so long lol…**

**Jasper**

Have I ever told you how beautiful Bella is when she sleeps? The little line of worry she carries on her forehead disappears… she finally looks at peace. Until a nightmare hits. They seem to getting better while she stays here, she seems to smile easier….she's finally becoming a beautiful creature completely free of pain…. Anyone with eyes could see that.

Right now she's in Emmetts room picking up his toys and I can't help but stare. Her shirt rides up just enough for the pale flesh of her back to stay exposed… her hips and back are scarred almost as bad as her wrists are. But the beauty of it is…her scars. Her scars to me prove to me what she has been through…and what she is STILL dealing with. And the fact that there aren't any new marks proves to me how much I've helped her through.

Everything about her is amazing, beautiful, remarkable, there isn't a word to describe her except the fact that she's…..Bella.

"You can stop staring at anytime, Jazz…." Her voice pulled me out of my endless train of thoughts and I smiled seductively.

"Why would I do that love? Your ass is impossible NOT to stare at."

Her blush made the moment perfect and I took a deep breath preparing myself to ask the fatal question when the little traitor came racing into the room.

"Beya, Beya!"

She laughed and held her arms out inviting him into her embrace. Yes, I was jealous.

"What do you need Bub?"

This child was definitely my brother. He curled up in her arms and fucking POUTED. If that sort of thing worked for me I would pout DAILY. She is a sucker for kids, and once they pout she will do whatever they want. This kid is a _player._ And he's only three.

"Momma says its nap time! But I don't _wanna _take a nap!" He even pulled of a lip quiver.

Anytime she moved to put him in the bed he would cry, so she just held him in her arms and leaned against the door until he fell asleep. In her arms. Lucky kid. She was about to get up when her phone rang, and her face fell. The caller ID said "Phil" but she couldn't answer because of bub, so I put it on speaker for her…and her face said she didn't want me to.

"You fucking cunt! Where is my money?"

Her face paled in confusion "What money?"

"Don't play stupid with me you dirty whore! The $3,500 you just spent!"

"Phil, I haven't spent any money! I'm at Jasper's!" She put Emmett on the bed and tucked him in before storming out of the room obviously not wanting me to hear the conversation. She turned it off speaker, but not before I heard him scream, "I know you're at _Jasper's. _You're always at _Jasper's! _I can only imagine what you're doing, fucking, drinking, smoking, You decided to spend all my money on drugs, you fucking BITCH!"

Bella turned to me and _smiled_ she actually _smiled._ Had she lost her damn mind? This was _amusing_ her?

"Jazz, it's okay, this happens sometimes. It's okay."

Now I understood. She was trying to be strong and play this off as "it's not bugging her"

Hell no.

I took the phone from her to try to calm the conversation down, and the moment I put the phone to my ear he screamed, "You fucking bitch, I swear to whatever deity you believe in, the next time I see your _fucking _face I'll pound it through a fucking _wall! _Do you understand me?"

Nope. My irritation level didn't raise at all….

"Hey, this is Jasper. What's going on?"

"Oh, now the bitch wants you to fight her battles for her?"

This argument lasted for about an hour until Bella slipped down to the floor and put her head in her hands. No, she didn't want me fighting her battles. She wanted me to put the phone down and walk as far away as I could, she never wanted me to speak to him…. And this was why. I don't quite remember what I said…but during the fight I told him to come up here and finish what he started. Bella didn't like that. And neither did Phil, he hung up…. But he never showed. She was quiet for the rest of Bubby's nap. Thanks to that one phone call…she had reverted to Ms. Fake Smile. And Emmett didn't see the difference.

Holding my breath I grabbed her wrist and led her to the living room and pulled her into my arms. "Bella, it's only been three weeks, and…well I feel like I've known you forever. I don't have a ring, but I already know who I want to spend the rest of my life with. I don't have the money to buy a ring for you but I promise once I do, I'll find the biggest rock I can find-"

She cut me off with tears in her eyes. "Jazz….It's not the ring that matters," she took her bracelet off of her right wrist and transferred it to her left. "But the promise"

I was the one who cried as I kissed her and did the same.

_Hush little baby don't you cry_

_Listen to daddies lullaby_

_Save your tears _

_And hold your smile,_

_Daddy will walk you down the isle…_


	13. Chapter 13

**Soooo….I could really use a Beata XD lol…. My grammer is beginning to fail… but I'll keep writing until I find one sooo, thank you for your reviews! REEEEAAALYY praying for forty after this chappie but that might be pushing it just a little lol anyway… here we go. \**

**Bella**

_**I woke up wrapped in bare warm arms the next morning… total. Bliss. I turned just slightly to kiss the closest arm to me and I thought back to the days with Edward.**_

_**I tried to lose my virginity to Edward, I really did. I really thought I was in love with him… how wrong could I have been? I mean, I thought I was falling more and more in love every day… But one single day with Jasper topped all of that. How possible was it that I was wrong now? Is what I have now love, or lust? If this is lust…I understand cheating.**_

_**Edward was…my everything. And now he's nothing. What if one day Jasper becomes nothing? What if he leaves? What if I do? What really happens here? **_

_**His arms shifted reminding me that he wasn't quite awake yet, however that slight movement revealed our wrists. My left, covered in scars, and his left, with my promise fitting perfectly with his flawless arm. I checked mine to see if it was still there, and my name looked back at me.**_

_**By promising to Jasper to marry him, I broke my promise to daddy in joining him. My first night without a nightmare, was the first time I broke a promise….a bittersweet night.**_

_**I glanced at my phone to see nine missed calls from Phil, and three texts from Renee. Of course the fight from the night just blow away… and Jasper didn't make it any easier. Why couldn't he just put the phone down and walk away? Hell RUN for all I care… I didn't want him to even LOOK at Phil, I couldn't bear it if he got hurt. I didn't want him to know this sort of thing even remotely happened… because I know he's going to leave. My baggage, my pain, will be too much of a burden to him. He's going to leave. Which makes my promise to him practically void because he's going to-**_I stopped and glanced at the bracelet on his wrist.

_**He had promised too. After the fight. Even his promises mean nothing, I have to remember that we both promised. Don't worry about tomorrow until it is standing at your door.**_

"_**If you spend all of your time watching your feet, eventually you are going to walk into a pole." ~Brenda Harris**_

My face reddened as I remembered why exactly I didn't have a nightmare… After that promise he had taken me by the hand and led me to his room locking the door behind us. Neither of us wasted much time on clothes, we were in a bit of a rush. Roughly he shoved me over onto the bed, and again, didn't waste much time. With one quick thrust he buried himself to the hilt inside of me, causing me to moan in a mixture of pain and pleasure.

Using his arms to keep most of his weight off of me he found a pace that suited us, and I wrapped my legs around his waist to give him a better angle. Leaning forward I grazed my teeth against his shoulder and he paused long enough to shudder, giving me an idea. Roughly I pushed him off of me, and disappointment filled his eyes.

"Baby? What's wrong?" I laughed listening to his ragged breath.

"Can you sit still or do I need to tie you up?" I laughed again as his eyebrows shot up and made a show of becoming still.

"What are you doing?"

"Ever heard of a tease Jazz?"

I didn't know it was possible to raise your eyebrows any further but his certainly did. Testing my theory I ran my fingernail down his shoulder, smiling as he shuddered again. Leaning forward to rest my forehead against his, our lips almost touching, just breathing. He leaned towards me to kiss me but I pulled back slightly with him chasing me for a kiss until his back was exposed.

Seeing my chance I took my hands from his face and ever so slowly ran my fingernails from the backs of his ears, down at his back, and traveling from his hips to his sides. Immediately he bucked underneath me, releasing a very wild gasp, that made me very, very, eager for more.

Wildly his eyes met mine and he desperately tried to plant his lips on mine, yet I pulled away again. I wasn't done. Not even close.

And to make it better, he _whimpered_. My ego has NEVER been as high as it was then….

Placing my hands on his shoulders, I pushed him back against the headboard, hope glimmering in his eyes… hope for more, or for me to stop? I wasn't sure, and I sure as hell didn't care. Lightly I ran my fingernails from his shoulders, down his chest and stomach, and lower, very carefully avoiding his member, down his thighs, and back up his sides, coming to rest behind his neck.

He was _trembling, _and BEGGING for me to stop….I had done this to him… and I loved it. And I still wasn't done… I tortured him for ten minutes before he took control and attacked my mouth. I granted the kiss I had refused to give him for the last twenty minutes, and let him plow his way to release… when I came close to mine I bit his shoulder, hard. Panting he looked at his very red shoulder and said "What was that all about?"

I smirked and stood up putting on my clothes as I moved. "You didn't sit still." He stood and put on a pair of shorts and walked with me to the kitchen for a cigarette.

"_Where_ did you learn _that?_" He said pushing me against a wall before I could light up.

"Learn what Jazz?" I was having WAAAY too much fun with this. And I laughed outright as his jaw dropped.

"Learn _what?_ The fingernail stuff! The teasing!"

I tilted and bit my lip smiling "Aww, Jazz, I was just admiring the view." and with that I giggled and lit my cigarette watching as he continued to stare at the wall for a second, confused, until finally he joined me.

He had intended on round two, but we ended up falling asleep on his bed, fully dressed… well…. I was. Jasper was in Boxer shorts, he cheated.

Leaning over I kissed his sleeping lips, taking a mental of the perfectly bruised bite mark on his shoulder. His eyes opened and he kissed me and smiled, remembering the night before. I kissed him back and sighed as my phone vibrated.

"I'll see you tonight?" There was hope in his eyes, he wanted more.

"As always"

It wasn't until I had climbed in my car that I remembered the bruise. Should I remind him?

Nah…. Let him figure it out.

_Life is short,_

_Break the rules,_

_Forgive quickly,_

_Laugh freely,_

_Love truly_

_Kiss slowly,_

_And never regret anything_

_That made you smile…._

_Those baby girl, are the rules of life…. Follow them to the letter._

_Daddy_


	14. Chapter 14

**Okay guys... Gimme a reason to keep going! I'm really in some need of reviews right now... I know it's not the best story in the world but PLEEEEAAAASSSEEEEE?**

**Bella**

I sat in my car for a long while after school, staring at the two story house I used to call a home. No one but me ever sees the hell that lies within.

Phil.

He's home, and staring at me waiting for me to come inside. It's not like him to make a show in front of my step brother, and when it is...at least it isn't phisical.

Taking the key out of the ignition I breathed a sigh, the longer I wait...the worse it will be.

I took my first slow steps towards fate. Sometimes I wish he'd just kill me, bit of course it would just be too easy. Why kill someone who plans their death?

Like I said too easy.

The minute I walk into the house Renee told Eric (my step brother) to go for a walk. Naturally, Hell started the moment he left. I can't tell the words he threw at me, they weren't really important, and honestly I wasn't focusing on listening.

_**Stomach**_

_**Ribs**_

_**Back**_

_**Leg**_

Simply focusing on the exact points where he hit kept me from shredding a single tear. Or crying out.

Bella... Breathe in, Breathe out...let it go...

My salvation arrived when Eric started walking down the driveway, causing Phil to send me on my way.

Two hours later I was holding up my shirt, watching a bruise form, when my phone vibrated. Jasper ...bugger has good timing doesn't he?

"Jasper?"

"listen love this is going to sound weird but I need to know...is Phil home?"

"yeah...why?" can't even explain how confused I was.

"Don't worry just listen. I'm muting your end, but stay on the line okay?"

"okay..."

Half a ring later Phil's phone started ringing. No. Way. Jaspers not starting this again...I can't go through this again! My breath hitched in panic when I heard Phil ask "hello?"

"sir? This is Jasper..."

Ignoring the drama blaring in my ear one word kept repeating in my head... 'sir' why the hell would Jasper call him 'sir'?

"I know that sir, but that's not why I called... I called to apologize for my behavior yesterday. It was immature of me to respond the way I did, and I'm sorry"

Jaw

Hit

The

FLOOR

JASPER apologized? What is this fuckery?

"Thank you for your apology runt, but Isabella is still not going up there tonight."

"that's just fine sir, I'll see her tomorrow"

There were a couple more words exchanged...but I was beyond comprehending them... My side was starting to throb and my fiancé just apologized for a fight Phil started.

"Bella, it's healthy to breathe you know..."

"What the FUCK was THAT?"

"What was what love?"

"What you just did!"

"Awww love, that's called a conversation."He hung up. Leaving me with my mouth hanging open staring at the wall in front of me before realizing what had just happened.

Karmas a fucking bitch...

_Baby girl…._

_When times get hard,_

_And time slips into tiny shards,_

_And you don't know what to do,_

_Here's a little secret I held for you._

_When the world's falling apart,_

_Smile and dance… ignore your heart._

_It lies baby girl, take a stand…._

_And teach the world, how to dance._

_Daddy._


	15. Chapter 15

**Alright. Chappie 14 was short so I decided to upload another…. Pllleeeeease…..PLEASE review XD**

**Bella**

Seventh hour….finally. I sat in Intro to Film watching Lion King… extremely impatiently. Jasper and I watched the Lion King maybe four times while in the hospital…and I needed to see him. We had this huge fight about whether or not Rafiki had a blue or pink bum…let's just say he lost that fight. I kept flashing my eyes from the movie to the clock desperately urging the clock to read 2:45.

However, in case no one tells you, if you're trying to make time go faster…it won't. It slows down. Causing twitching, and foot bouncing to move faster until someone taps on your shoulder and tells you to chill. In this case it was Jacob, my best friend. "Bella, calm down. One comfort you can always live in…is no matter how bad you're situation is….time is forced to move. No matter what you really won't be in this class forever." _**Has everyone in the world developed the ability to read minds or am I that readable? **_

For the _hundredth _time I glanced at the clock. 2:40. Five minutes. I can do this.

Four minutes, and thirty three seconds later, according to the clock, my phone started vibrating. I didn't have to look to know who it was.

Jasper.

I could just picture him now, pacing in the living room glaring at the clock as he passed it. He handles patience about as well as I do… and obviously that isn't very well.

Fifteen seconds later my phone starts vibrating and I "accidentally" answered it so he could hear the movie.

I glanced at the clock 2:46. My heart froze in panic. The bells a minute late! What if it's not? What if it's really like an hour early or something?

2:47

2:48

FINALLY at 2:49:17 the damned bell rang and I literally ran to my locker, giving Christine a hug, and continuing on to my car. I was on the road by the time my phone read 2:48. My teachers clock was almost four minutes fast. Quickly I called Jasper to let him know that I was on my way and I laughed out loud at his muttered "Finally"

Due to the fight between him and his stepfather so long ago, he was still on house arrest and could only wait for me in the garage. But I ran to meet him anyway. It always seemed like we were never going to see each other so we acted as if each meeting was our last. Either way…I needed him.

I spent the remainder of the day wrapped in his arms…kissing, holding, breathing…not thinking of my late father until the second my eyes closed.

I woke up at six the next morning in sheer panic. The dream was different this time…

_**Instead of waiting for him in my room, I waited in the driveway…smoking. When he had pulled up, I had hidden, waiting… when he climbed into the truck. When my eyes caught the glint of the gun, I made my presence known.**_

"_**Daddy?"**_

_**In less than a split second he had raised the gun and shot. Horrified, my eyes traveled to my chest, where my blood bloomed like a dark crimson flower…It was beautiful. I staggered back and tripped, scratching my hands on the rough gravel. I pulled my hands away from my chest to look at the crimson dye that dripped from my fingertips. Lazily my eyes met my fathers horrified face and I smiled…drifting off into the wonderful weariness that my body offered…Dad raised The Devil to his temple when the blood slowed…. And I smiled at him and whispered my final words….**_

"_**I kept my promise….."**_

_**BANG….**_

I didn't need an interpreter to tell me what my dream meant…. I had to keep my promise. I glanced over at Jaspers sleeping face and my heart broke. I was going to have to hurt him, but when?

_**Jasper**_

When I woke my arms were empty and I panicked… She didn't…she wouldn't….but relief met my ears when I heard her soft steps in the kitchen. Sitting up, I leaned against the opposite wall and watched the most beautiful thing in the world.

In tiny little shorts and one of my shirts she had her Mp3 tucked in her pocket as she danced. She was attempting to clean the kitchen but, she stood with her back to me, dancing. Her hair had been pulled up into a messy bun and I smiled as the music in her headphones finally reached my ears.

_**Like a gift from the heavens, it was easy to tell**_

_**It was love from above that could save me from hell**_

_**She had fire in her soul, it was easy to see**_

_**How the devil himself, could be pulled out of me.**_

_**There were drums in the air as she started to dance,**_

_**Every soul in the room keeping time with their hands…..**_

I didn't hesitate, I walked up behind her and placed my hands on her hips moving with her, and chuckled when she turned a dark crimson.

_**Each piece to the puzzle that falls into place,**_

_**You could tell how we felt from the look on her face, **_

_**Spinning in circles with the moon in our eyes, **_

_**No room left to move in between you and I,**_

_**We forgot where we were and we lost track of time,**_

_**And we sang to the wind as we danced through the night**_

Finally she let go and danced with me, ignoring how much noise we made, we danced…and let every ounce of energy go…

_**Like a gift from the heavens, it was easy to tell**_

_**It was love from above that could save me from hell**_

_**She had fire in her soul, it was easy to see**_

_**How the devil himself, could be pulled out of me.**_

_**There were drums in the air as she started to dance,**_

_**Every soul in the room keeping time with their hands…..**_

We danced until a pair of tiny hands tapped on her leg, and beautifully she scooped the little man up and swept him around the room leaving me to watch what I hoped would some day be my future….our future.

So here's the end of this chapter….

_**And we danced on into the night…..**_


	16. Chapter 16

**Hey guys…. PLLLEEEEEEAAAAASSSSEEEE review…. Dream Painter, I don't know where you went, but you are greatly missed. Don't let one person keep you from doing what you want most. It's YOUR dream remember? I don't know how to tell you to keep your chin up, but PLEASE do. For me.**

_**Hey guys… It's Christine. Bella asked me to step in and write a bit, and I'll tell you… the cliffhanger she decided to end this on will have you ripping your hair out. Trust me. Anyway, let's give this a go shall we?**_

_**Chapter 16**_

_**Christine.**_

_**I can't tell you how thrilled I was when the sleeves of her shirts started slipping up her arms, inching closer to her shoulders. There was something about Jasper that I didn't trust, but just by looking at her face… he was healing her. Whatever he was doing, he was healing her from the "Fallen Angel" That I had found that night.**_

_**I had nightmares for weeks because of Bella laying in her own pool of blood…by choice. I took a picture in hopes that one days she'd look at it and cry, simply because of the pain she was in. I'm glad she met him. Edward had torn her to pieces. I wish I could show you my best friend before and after her father, but…. All I can do is tell you, that she used to have a smile that could warm the coldest hearts…and a heart that could outlast anything I have ever seen. **_

_**When her dad died…she still smiled. She still went about her everyday activities, but her smile would no longer melt a frozen heart…but break even the strongest one. She tried so hard to tell the world that she was alright. That she was "Okay". The worst of it is…. Is that the world believed her. Except for me, and apparently Jasper. And now…well. Bella had learned how to smile again. **_

**Bella**

_**It's been two months since Jasper and I met, and he's taking me to dinner. Nothing fancy, but that doesn't matter. Daddy? Can you hear me? I can't shake the feeling that something is gonna go wrong. Can you see me Daddy? Do you even know I'm praying to you? Daddy….**_

My phone vibrating jerked me from my quiet thoughts. I knew it was Jasper.

"Hey love, are you on your way?" Same question every day. And I always had the same answer,

"I'm on my way."

_**Did it hurt to die Daddy? What were those last thoughts you had? Did you think of me? Dad…..Answer me, please…..**_

"Baby? Are you listening?" Great…now he was worried.

"Sorry, I got distracted what did you say Jazz?"

"I just asked if Chinese was okay with you, or if you preferred something else?"

"No, that's fine…I'll be there in a few."

I rolled down my window and lit a much needed cigarette feeling the smoke travel down to the tips of my toes. My mind flashed to the moments when Jasper taught me how to really smoke…

_**He would take the filter off one of his cigarettes…still don't understand how he could smoke like that… but he told me that after he took a drag to kiss him and breathe in. So I did.**_

_**Damn.**_

_**I don't think he factored in the fact that we were standing up… but that really didn't matter for me after that first inhale. I had a nice pretty bruise on my ass for a good week after that. But those became our moments…when he was most tender, in a cloud of smoke.**_

_**Not that I minded. But it was shortly after that, that he literally "Took my breath away"**_

_**I'll tell you what, this boy and his kisses…..**_

_**He would pull you in for a kiss and when he finally convinced you to part your lips to allow him entrance to your mouth….he would inhale, stealing every ounce of breath out of your lungs and forcing you to breathe in through your nose all at the same time…**_

_**My favorite thing ever.**_

Suddenly, the road was too long. I needed to get to his house, now. I needed to see him, feel him, just to know he was there. I kept feeling like he would vanish, and I would never see him again… but I needed him. Now.

Ten effing minutes later, I was watching the garage door open ever so slowly… and there he was wearing my favorite hoodie and torn jeans. Heaven.

I didn't even bother with taking my keys out of the ignition, I just leaped out of the car and ran into his arms.

"If I didn't know any better, I'd think you were never gonna see me again"

I laughed as he kissed my nose, "I always feel that way…"

He hugged me and climbed into the drivers side of the car… believe me. NO ONE ever drives my car but me. Well…now Jasper. But I trusted his judgment, and I knew he was a safe driver. I just had to remind him of the speed limits.

I can't remember what we were laughing about, but for weeks that's all I saw. Him turning to look at me, laughing, with the smile I would kill for…

And just past his beautiful smile, I could see the car run the stop sign.

I could see it coming for us.

I could hear me start to scream.

Forty three seconds later all I could see was a fuzzy image of Jasper slumped over against the steering wheel,

All I could hear was my ragged breathing.

I could see a pair of feet at my window, somehow much closer to the road than it should have been, and a voice called out "Is everyone okay in there?"

I wasn't listening. I just needed Jasper. Ignoring the shattering pain in my shoulder I reached out and touched Jaspers bloody cheek.

_**This isn't pain. This doesn't hurt. But if he isn't okay…that's gonna hurt.**_

"Jasper?"

No response.

"Jazz, wake up."

He didn't even appear to be breathing as the paramedics arrived. Somehow they got to me first and started to pull me out of my mangled car.

"No, Jasper… Get Jasper, make sure he's okay! Forget about me, get him!"

_**Why wouldn't they LISTEN? I don't matter. I never mattered. But Jasper, Jasper's everything…..**_

I caught a glimpse of them laying Jasper out onto another stretcher before they closed the doors on the ambulance…

Something pinched my arms as I started to slip into a dark uneven sleep…

The last thing I heard before darkness overtook me was a strangled cry that I couldn't believe was mine.

"_**JASPER!"**_


	17. Chapter 17

**Forty one reviews! YAAAY! So…. Here we go again. Lol Let's see if we can make Fifty! That would make my day….**

_**Christine**_

_**I watched her sleeping peacefully for what seemed like the first time in months. Even in a night gown, full of needles and casts…she needed the rest. She wasn't going to ever want to wake up again. **_

_**I believe she calls you Daddy…whoever it is she prays to when she looks up… but whoever you are…help me pull her through this. It's selfish…I know…but I of all people need her to keep breathing. Help me… **_

**Bella**

_**For once I didn't dream of Daddy. I dreamed of every moment shared between Jasper and I.**_

_**The day I got sick, he held my hair when I was sick… and even against my strongest protests he curled up behind me and wrapped his arms around me… "Love, I don't care if I get sick. You need this now."**_

_**We had stayed in that position until the shivers started, he didn't hesitate to take off his shirt and pull me back against his warm chest and did the most beautiful thing I could have ever asked for…**_

_**Leaning down he pressed his mouth close to my ear and whispered:**_

"_**I could stay awake, just to hear you breathing,**_

_**Watch you smile while you are sleeping,**_

_**While your far away dreaming,**_

_**I could spend my life, in this sweet surrender,**_

_**I could stay lost in this moment…Forever.**_

_**Every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure….**_

_**I don't wanna close my eyes,**_

_**I don't wanna fall asleep cause I'd miss you babe,**_

_**And I don't wanna miss a thing."**_

_**I couldn't help but smile, and wish I could cry. He knew, without me telling him that Armageddon was my favorite movie in the whole world… and he knew my favorite song.**_

_**I remembered all three times that he took my breath away.**_

_**I remembered the moments in the Hospital where we had to sneak just to hold hands,**_

_**The moments we would lean in to kiss the other, and we would both**_ _**pause…perfectly content with breathing with the other.**_

_**I smiled as I thought of the days he forgot to shave, and the small amount of peach fuzz would tickle my upper lip when he'd kiss me.**_

_**I remembered all the secret glances that I would send his way.**_

_**I remembered all the moments I couldn't decide what color his eyes were…**_

_**I remembered…**_

_**Smiling,**_

_**Laughing,**_

_**Stop sign?**_

_**Car…..**_

_**Jasper.**_

_**My breath hitched, and my back arched as I remembered the last time I saw Jasper… on the back of a stretcher.**_

_**I started screaming… calling for him. Please, please, please….the word became a prayer as my eyes flew open to be blinded by a white room around me. I was in a hospital…but I didn't care. I sat up in the bed I was in, ignoring the pain in my arm, ribs, and leg. I didn't care. Without blinking I tore the IV's out of my arm and started towards the door screaming Jasper's name. He was okay. He had to be.**_

_**Why was the door so far away? I needed Jasper. I needed him now. I winced when strong arms wrapped around me, because they weren't his. They were Christine's.**_

_**I turned and looked deep into her ice blue eyes silently asking the one question I didn't want an answer to.**_

_**She looked down at my bleeding arms for a moment before meeting my eyes again and bit her lip.**_

_**I knew. Don't do it. Don't-**_

_**She shook her head. Jasper was gone.**_

_**I fell to my knees right where I was and screamed. I screamed until the doctors in knee length lab coats stuck a needle in my shoulder. I screamed until there wasn't voice left to scream, and for the first time in one year, six months, and three days…I cried.**_

**Hey guys stick around! Leave me a review and let me know what you think! Buuuut it's not what you think ;-)**

_**Hey guys. Christine. Stick around… BIIIIG surprise next chap. I'm already tearing my hair out…..**_


	18. Chapter 18

**Alright. Here's the deal…. If we hit 55 reviews after this one I'll post the next two chappies ^.^ otherwise you'll have to be patient lol buuuuut here we go! **

**Bella**

_**It took three days before I could face the school again. Christine said that I didn't have to go back yet. I could take my time.**_

_**I didn't want time. If I had the time to heal, I would have the time to think. What made it worse… was the dreams of Daddy were worse than ever, and now Jasper was thrown into the mix.**_

_**If I was alone…I would die. I would keep my promise to Daddy. And believe it or not…That's not what I wanted.**_

_**I made a promise to Jasper and I couldn't keep that if there was a chance suicides went to Hell…I couldn't risk it.**_

_Click, clack, click, clack_

_**I paced my breathing with the sounds of my crutches touching the floor. The accident broke three of my ribs, pulled a muscle in my shoulder, and tore my ACL in my knee. According to my Doctor, I'd be on crutches for six months due to the surgery to replace it.**_

"_**Surgery, therapy, recover" he had said. He didn't understand…I won't recover. Not without Jasper. **_

"_**Recover" Whoever invented that word can go to Hell. With Jasper… The world could be ending and he could stop any pain from hurting me just by holding my hand…because when I was with him… the world didn't matter.**_

_**Just me, just him.**_

_Click, clack, click, clack_

_**Breathe in, breathe out, let it go.**_

_**The thought became a prayer… a hope. Let it go. Stop picturing that last smile on his face…He won't ever smile again.**_

_**I was at my locker by now staring at the faded grey paint in the empty hall. Why make him stop smiling? Why not look at him smiling every day? Why make it hurt? Why stop remembering?**_

_**Pulling out all the pictures I carried with me of Jasper and Daddy…I started taping them to the outside of my locker door… why not show the world what keeps me going?**_

_**I paused when my knee started hurting, I only had two pictures taped up…not enough.**_

_**I jumped at the familiar voice behind me:**_

"Want some help with that?" The cocky bastard even smirked at me.

"Edward? What do you want?"

He frowned and I saw honest pain touch his eyes. "Bella…Listen. I'm sorry. You were right I could have stopped all of this. I could have kept you from- just give me a chance to fix what I caused?" For a second he glanced at a picture of me wrapped in Jasper's arms. _**He thinks that if he never cheated I never would have met Jasper? I glanced at the picture for a second before gazing at the picture above it of Daddy kissing my forehead. **_

"Edward…had you not have cheated on me…I would have cheated on you. I would have met him, and I would have left you for him. I wouldn't have looked back."

He flinched and whispered something I didn't hear.

"Well…will you let me try to fix things?"

"How?"

"Will you go to prom with me?"

I took a single glance at my crutches leaning against my locker before glaring at him.

"Are you _trying _to humiliate me? Look at me!"

"Bella, calm down. I wouldn't let you out of my sight."

I took a deep breath and glanced at Jaspers picture._** Well…I have to move on sometime.**_

"Fine"

_**One week later**_

_**I can't believe that I'm actually attempting this. Why in GODS name did I agree to this? **_My mom leaned behind me and zipped up the back end of my navy blue dress and smiled

"You look so beautiful…look the dress even covers up your cast!"

_**Thanks mom… like I needed THAT reminder…**_

Edward picked me up at seven to take me to dinner at Arbys…Really romantic. I know.

Thanks be to GOD there weren't too many fast songs but during one point I decided I needed to use the rest room and limped away. I frowned as I saw notebooks and pencils lining the floor before I realized it was my locker. Leaning on it's hinges with it's contents spilled all over the hall wasn't what froze my heart.

Every picture Edward and I had taped on my locker was torn in half. Leaving the pieces of me shredded on the door. The message itself was clear: I'm alone.

There was one thing left in my locker that made me sink to the floor and press my hand to my mouth and choke back tears.

A bloody trinket that read:

C, rose, W, sun, F, star, F, key, B, skull, J, circle, F

When Christines cold fingers touched my shoulder a single tear slipped from my eye.

I was holding Jaspers bloody bracelet.

Why was Edward smiling?

Ignoring the pain in my leg I stood and asked Edward to drive me home. When I got there, I changed into a t-shirt and shorts and climbed into my mothers truck. Ignoring the speed limits I made it to the meadow… There were two people there. It didn't occur to me that it was storming. My gaze was fixed on the boy laying in the soaked grass.

Tussled bronze hair, broad shoulders…he looked just like Jasper.

I sank to my knees and cried. Everything I had, until someone lifted my chin.

Jasper.

Jasper! He was okay! He was alive! My heart swelled and fresh tears of joy filled my eyes until he turned and walked away. With a parting "Glad to see your alright Bells." he went back to the girl that hadn't moved. I watched as he smiled at her and tenderly kissed her lips. I watched as he pressed against her. I watched the clothes come off. I watched…oh god I watched I couldn't look away from the horror occurring before me.

When they were finished he walked back over to me and smirked. "You could have left… you didn't have to see that."

I said nothing. I still couldn't see the face of the girl…but suddenly I hated her.

She had stolen him. Changed him. This wasn't my Jasper…but it was. I didn't see her walk up before she started talking.

"Hello, Bella. It's good to see you again…Jasper and I have become such great friends don't you think?"

My jaw dropped. It couldn't be.

"Alice?"

"How's Edward?"

_I should be ashamed of thinking I knew everything, because you can know the whole world and still feel lost in it. So many people are in pain - no matter how smart or accomplished - they cry, they yearn, they hurt. But instead of looking down on things, they look up, which is where I should have been looking, too. Because when the world quites to the sound of your own breathing, we all want the same things: comfort, love, and a peaceful heart_

_Breathe baby girl_

_Pain doesn't last forever_

_Daddy._


	19. Chapter 19

**Alright guys…I have some explaining to do. Apparently writing a chappie in the middle of the night makes ABSOLUTELY no sense. So here we go. Jasper is alive, and he's with Alice now. Bella saw them in the meadow and put two and two together. So if you have any other questions lemme know but I hope this chappie clears things up. Thank you for your reviews and I'm really sorry for confusing you… here we go.**

_**Jasper.**_

_**I was so anxious. I couldn't believe she let me drive her car without any form of a fight. I had to do this right. **_

_**I turned and smiled when she whispered the words "I love you"**_

_**She had no idea how much of an understatement that was. Just her smile made my world go round.**_

_**So when her face changed and she started screaming, I saw the car coming. Does she remember me leaning away from the steering wheel to pull her into my arms?**_

_**I remember her calling my name.**_

_**I remember not being able to move…to reach out to her.**_

_**I'm alright, I'm okay. Can't you hear me Bella? Bella please! Please be okay…**_

"No! Leave me! Jasper, get Jasper! Why aren't you listening to me? I don't matter! Save him!"

_**Bella, you're everything. Save her, please…she means everything.**_

_**I remember them pulling me out of the car.**_

_**I remember the pain.**_

_**I remember waking up to a pair of gold eyes, and inky black hair.**_

"_**Jasper? Jasper it's okay. I'm going to save you okay? You're going to be alright."**_

_**Forget the pain of the accident, that was nothing compared to this.**_

_**After an eternity the pain lessened and I opened my eyes to see my savior sitting as still as that of a picture.**_

"Bella's fine. Don't worry about her. She lives. You however, will never be the same again. You are vampire now, I created you."

"Vampire? So, what I sleep in a coffin and burst into flames when the sun touches me?"

"Typical Hollywood. There are a few things you need to learn about vampires. First, be inconspicuous. If you make too much of a scene you die. Second, you must follow every whim of your creator. Meaning whatever I tell you no matter how painful…you have to do. If you don't… I have the power to kill you. But as it is…Disobey me and I'll kill her."

_**She threw a picture at my feet of a girl in a black tank top, and a red plaid skirt.**_

_**She had blood flowing from long cuts in her arms…the blood flow looked almost like wings if you looked at it right…**_

_**Flipping it over I read the back and all it said was "The Fallen Angel"**_

"Am I supposed to know who this is?"

_Take a closer look. Don't speak, I know your mind._

_**My eyes traveled from her crossed ankles to her flat stomach, taking in every ounce of her beauty.**_

_**Past the mane of fire that was her hair.**_

_**To what looked like a perfectly sleeping face.**_

_**A song flowed into my mind when I thought that. But it wasn't me singing it. It was Alice, singing in my mind.**_

"_I don't wanna close my eyes,_

_I don't wanna fall asleep,_

_Cause I'd miss you babe,_

_And I don't want to miss a thing."_

_**Oh god, it was Bella…**_

_There you go. I knew you'd remember._

_**A couple days passed and I found myself at her school, on Prom night. Fifty or so students gathered here to dance to mediocre music and to drown in lust. If she was here…I don't know what convinced her to go.**_

_Turn, look into the gym. Ignore the beauty in blue…The guy she's dancing with? His name is Edward Cullen. My husband, and your new brother. She doesn't know. _

_**I looked at Edward for a moment before he glanced up and smiled at me. I glanced at the girl he was dancing with, Bella.**_

_**She was gorgeous…In a navy blue floor length gown that accented her skin just perfectly. She had her face tucked into the curve of his neck just like she used to do, when I'd wake her from a dream.**_

_**I couldn't stand here any longer. One more turn and she would see me. Taking a breath I walked towards her locker. And if my heart could have stopped, it would have.**_

_**Forty different images littered her locker. Thirty of them had me smiling in the background. And at the very top was taken the night of the accident. Me turned towards her smiling…and just in the background you could even see the car that…that what? Killed me? Is that what happened?**_

_It doesn't matter Jasper. She needs to move on. Tear the pictures. Leave only the fragments of her. She needs to get the message that she's alone. That she needs to say goodbye to you._

_**I didn't want to. But her warning retraced in my mind. I had promised Bella that I would do anything to keep her safe and alive. I had to do this.**_

_**I went overboard. I tore her locker door, threw her belongings, and finally glanced down at my wrist. Still bloody from the accident…I hung it in her locker, knowing she would find it. I had promised that the day I gave this back to her was the day that I would decide to move on.**_

_Nice finishing touch…now quick! Run to the meadow. I'll meet you there._

_**When I got there Alice took no time in laying across my lap, instructing me to laugh and pretend to be in love with my creator. I knew she was there. Alice explained that I was an empath…I could feel other peoples emotions. And I felt hers.**_

_**Confusion,**_

_**Wonder,**_

_**Pain…endless pain.**_

_**And love. **_

_**I ran to her while she was looking down. And I stared deep into her eyes. 'I love you' I screamed in my head 'listen to me…I. love. You..'**_

_Jasper. You know what you have to do. Get over here._

_**I wish I could tell you how much it hurt to walk away from her saying only that I was glad she was okay. I didn't want to do any of this. I just wanted to hold her, to tell her that I needed her. But I had to save her. So I did the most vile thing ever… I slept with the woman in front of my Bella.**_

_**I acted cruel and heartless towards her wishing that I could tell her I was saving her life. **_

_**I watched her stand up and walk away.**_

_**I felt her break, but she was pretending to be strong, pretending that none of this hurt her. Nothing could touch her.**_

_**Her heart gave her away.**_

_**If she had turned to look behind her she would have seen me on my knees holding my head in my hands…trying not to scream her name.**_

_**Wishing that I had died.**_

_**Wishing…**_

_**I glared when Alice said the fatal words that I didn't want to hear.**_

_Good Job. She shouldn't be back._


	20. Chapter 20

**You guys are amazing you know that right? So I'm throwing another chappie ahead of schedule ^.^**

**Bella**

_**When I drove back home from the meadow, I sat in the driveway**_ _**staring at the two story blue house that I used to call a home. How could I smile and tell my mother that everything was alright? How could I tell her what happened?**_

_**I decided to be strong. As I opened the front door I winced as she called my name. At the angle she was in, she couldn't see me yet so I took a moment to compose my self.**_

_**Breathe Bella, square your shoulders, and of course…smile.**_

"Hey mom, what do you need?"

She smiled "Good day?"

"Excellent" I grinned through my lie "Edward took me to dinner"

"Good, pistachios?"

"Behind you on the headboard mom"

"Thanks love…go get a shower"

"Alright I'll take one in a bit."

_**I didn't take one immediately. I sat in the shower holding a blade…remembering.**_

_**Holding Jasper's hand while in the hospital.**_

One line against my left wrist.

_**The day he left the hospital, all I wanted was one single kiss.**_

Two lines.

_**The first time he called.**_

Three lines.

_**The first kiss.**_

Four lines.

_**Him kissing my scars and whispering "You wouldn't be who you are today without them"**_

Five.

_**The fist time he woke me from a nightmare.**_

Six.

_**Our first fight.**_

Three more lines.

_**Him proposing to me.**_

I moved to my right arm… four more cuts.

_**Falling asleep in his arms.**_

Two more.

_**Alice. The meadow.**_

Nine more. Twenty four total cuts. I focused on the blood dripping from my fingers, relishing in the growing light headedness. The buzz that the blade gives you is far better than any drug I've ever tried. Focusing once again on the blood dripping from my stained fingertips…I imagined every memory of Jasper literally flowing from my arms. One memory for every crimson drop.

_**Breathe in,**_

_**Breathe out,**_

_**Let it go.**_

I woke up the next morning lying in the shower in a pool of my own crimson tears. Somehow my arms were bandaged and cleaned, my clothes were changed, and most of the blood had washed into the drain…

I was alive to fight another day…and I didn't want to be.

_Baby girl don't you see?_

_I don't want you here with me._

_Please baby live fight another day._

_Please baby it's the only way._

_Take your time._

_Fight a while._

_Fighting for me, is only fair_

_When you realize I have enough room up here to share._

_Daddy._


	21. Chapter 21

**So I realize it has been far too long since I've updated…but I'm guessing none of you want to hear my apologies and just want me to get on with the story, am I right? Well…You get your wish. Thank you for being so patient with me…and…here we go.**

_**Jasper.**_

_**I wish I could explain to you the pure agony I felt watching her live her life with apparent joy. Watching her smile at every random person, listen to her hum peaceful melodies as she walked down the halls, even watching the joy in her eyes as she lay in the arms of my enemies lover.**_

_**Lies. All of it.**_

_**Edward had never been able to read her mind, so naturally he fell for the façade she was throwing at him now. He had no clue that her heart felt as if it had been cut into thousands of pieces, run over millions of times, thrown into an acid pool, and finally given back to her.**_

_**He had no clue that his touch made the pain ten times worse.**_

_**He had no idea that every kiss he gave her nearly drove her further over the edge.**_

_**He had no idea that she needed help…and even if he did, he wouldn't help.**_

_**No, the only help he'd ever offer…would be burying her.**_

_**I was the only thing that could ever possibly help her, but no matter what I did…I would destroy her. Betraying Alice, Bella dies. Ignoring Bella…Bella dies of her own terms. Glancing up at the sky towards the man she calls "Daddy" so often in her dreams…I asked a single question:**_

_**What's the right thing to do…when everything is wrong?**_

_Hush little baby don't say a word,_

_Daddies gonna buy you a mocking bird,_

_But if that little bird flies away,_

_She'll have to find her own way._

_To bring a mocking bird back home,_

_She'll have to find us on her own._

_**Bella**_

_**Daddy, I think it's working. I'm doing exactly what you did before the end…everyone is beginning to believe I finally found the one I was supposed to be with. Everyone is starting to wonder where the broken girl went. Hell I'm even sure Christine is falling for it. I'll be with you soon. **_

"Bella! Hey, are you Bella Swan?" I turned as a small squeaky voice called my name, but I didn't reply.

"Um…Do you remember that project you did for American History?" Squeaky voice asked. History Project?

"On the Great Depression?" I thought my teacher burned that…

"Yeah! Well…Mr. Alan showed it to us today and I was wondering…" He trailed off and stared at the floor with his ears turning red.

"Hey, Squeaky Voice, I really don't have time for you to stand there and be shy. I have to get to class and the more time I stand here waiting for you to tell me what you need the less time I get to see my boyfriend so…"

"I was wondering if you could tell me how to tea stain my papers like you did." _**That's it?**_

"It's easy. Get a cake pan and some tea bags, pour boiling water into the cake pan and add the tea bags until it's a dark brown color. Add your paper, wait thirty minutes, and let it dry." I walked off before he had a chance to say 'Thank you'_. _I glanced at my watch relieved that I only had two minutes before the bell rang, meaning less of an act around Edward.

Third period I'm an office aid, pretty much meaning that I sit in a chair and do whatever I want just as long as it doesn't make noise. I was lost in my thoughts trying to find something within sight that could possibly kill me. I made it to my seat before realizing that there was an Alice in the room. And of course, naturally, was Jasper awkwardly…but tenderly holding her. _Her._ Of all people.

What could_ anyone _possibly see in her? She's short…but that does put her mouth in closer range of what men are usually controlled by. She _never_ shuts up. _Ever_. I'd say she probably talks in her sleep…but…she's a vampire. She doesn't sleep. She has that stupid little haircut, and looks at him in that sick, disgusting way. Just watching her gaze into his eyes, and him coldly staring back as if they were talking…nearly made me gag.

Suddenly, it seemed, Alice finally noticed me and pretended to flinch at the hatred in my eyes and glanced at Jasper as if for support.

"I'll leave you two alone for a moment, I'll see you shortly." My stupid heart must have translated that to a double meaning…She just loves him.

My heart started to pound with every slow step he took. I knew he could hear it, he paced his steps to it. Finally he motioned I stand up and foolishly I complied. I wasn't sure what I was feeling…it was the most complicated mess I'd ever felt. Hatred, love, betrayal, guilt, lust, longing, agonizing pain, but strongest of all: fear. Fear of how he felt for me, fear of what he had to say-

My thoughts were instantly halted the second his lips touched mine. Without thinking I wrapped my arms around his neck holding him in an iron choke hold…even my body unwilling to let go. He let the kiss go on for a moment before pulling away, ignoring my agonized whimper.

"Please" was all he whispered in my ear as he trailed his cheek across mine, when my eyes flashed open, he was gone.

_**Please? Please**_ _**WHAT?**_

"By the way, Bella?" Still unsteady I turned to a smiling Alice who stood in the doorway. "The movie night at Christine's sounds lame."

Moments later I was standing at my locker staring at the spot where a smiling Jasper used to be considering banging my head against it when I heard Christine call behind me.

"Hey Bella! I heard you like vampires and stuff and well…I've got True Blood…wanna bring Edward?"

I thought about Alice's silent warning and happily responded.

"I'd love to."

_Hush Little baby please come home,_

_He doesn't like to be alone,_

_Little baby princess, don't you see?_

_You don't belong up here with me._


End file.
